Color Me Happy

Color is the BEST Medicine!

Let's just talk...
as many of you know every 3-4 months I send out into the cosmic web my truest thoughts
true I might leave out details and my vocabulary does my inner feelings no justice
but it's my attempt to clear my mind and find meaning in my life
Lately I've been wondering a lot about what the meaning of life is - for me
I'm not religious. although in childhood I was very much so
I'm not so much confused about man's purpose in life is
but rather just simply my own
what is Chelsea Ann suppose to give to this world
what does my presence bring
and even more how and when will I ever find peace
when does the fidgeting, anxiety, hormones, regret, self doubt
all subside... how do I free myself of my own shackles?
How do you get out of your own way?
Quite honestly I am a very happy person,
I am extremely blessed and amongst it all
I am happy with who I am and the life I am living
but I have this tendency to wear a mask
sharing all my joy and my strength with the world
but inside I torture myself with sad, ridiculous thoughts
I'm truly my own worse enemy

As I have shared with you in the past
each day my number one goal is to get through the day in one piece
and to not let others suffer from my own inner grouch
but as a good friend shared with me
when I am struggling the most
I overwhelm myself with personal projects
and I was blown away by how true her observation was
My coping mechanism is busy hands and mind
when I think about that more I realize my mother is the very same
and I think it's safe to say that this is true for many of us

Last Friday I had a consultation with my Gynecologist
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since the beginning of January
It's been really hard on us both
it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant
the OOPS word is thrown around and it just makes me want to scream
what hurts the most however is not so much the why am I not pregnant
For despite how much you tell yourself it's okay it will come when the time is right
It's the idea that your waiting for this moment and you have no idea when it will come
it reminds me of when I was young
and I would wonder if I would ever find the right man for me
Luckily I did! I found the perfect man... or rather he found me
but back then I thought it would never come- that adulthood would never come
(and well what scares me more now is how fast it did come)
it's like your life is just hanging in the balance
and despite how hard you try to enjoy the present you just can't
your head is always in the clouds dreaming of the future
I hate that! I hate that I can't let myself enjoy every precious moment of my life
I sweat if I went back and read my last powwow blog post
I would see in big capital letters

So after consulting with my doctor I have finally decided
I am going to discuss with a professional
getting on some type of medication to help me regulate my moods
to let my head clear of my constant noxious energy
and think as my heart does
This decision has not come lightly
but my Dr. and I agreed that controlling my anxiety and depression
will be beneficial in letting my body relax
and hopeful get pregnant
and that it will not hurt the baby or myself during pregnancy
which had been a major concern of mine

In other news
I've had to have two teeth capped - OH JOY!
I can't say enough how much you appreciate your parents
after you see your first major dental bill even after the insurance benefits

We had our generator for the Airstream
along with some other rather large items stolen last week
that makes reason # 82 why I want (NEED) to move out of the city

I found out that I will be thrown back into the job market in a month or two
I am very grateful to have the time to prepare
but it's still hard

On the lighter Side of Things

Hubby has a very very important interview tomorrow
Please wish him luck!

I'm taking a Illustrating for Children's Literature class
and I can't even begin to tell you how naive I was about how the publishing world works
it's very insightful and challenging

For those of you new to my blog I hope my blabbering hasn't scared you off
I really can't thank you all enough for being such a big part of my life
I grow so much through your kindness and support
I don't share these personal things for the attention
god knows it's not easy to share with the world that your not perfect
but rather because I believe that for one it is a healing process to let your feeling out
whether it be with a close friend, a counselor, or even a diary
and two because I know I'm not alone
I'm not the only one with insecurities, self doubt and hormones
we all have real lives behind the cookie recipes, macramé, and pretty dresses...

I send you all great big hugs
LOVE ~ Chelsea Ann


Chelsea Ling said...

I feel like I could have written this post. I know so much what you mean about torturing yourself with sad thoughts. I have found my purpose, and it still hasn't stopped for me. I think we will battle against our own selves for out entire lives... tis the nature of man.


I can't even begin to sum up everything I would want to say here in a blog comment, but I take cymbalta and it really helps me. I have generalized anxiety disorder and have struggled with it for a long time.

Anyways, please email me if you ever want to chat I wish we knew each other on a more every day level.. we are so alike.



sassypackrat said...

Chelsea Ann I adore you! Your are always so willing to put yourself bare faced to the world which I admire so much.

Depression and anxiety are the crushers of creativity and spirit. Getting help to calm your mind and body is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I know from experience. Best wishes and much love!

Danielle said...

Love you Chelsea Ann. :-) I think you're doing such a great thing! I got on Zoloft for anxiety when I was pregnant with my first and I haven't gotten off of it since. I really feel like it helps me. I too deal with depression and anxiety and that is no way to live!

And yes, WE are our own worst enemies and critics. And I think being creative souls doesn't help, because we're perfectionists and sometimes we have so many ideas, we just can't seem to get them all done. And then we get stressed about that. Lol! It's a neverending cycle. I know we've talked about this before, but take time for yourself and just DO NOTHING. I'm trying to teach myself that it's ok to just sit and *relax*. Calm the thoughts in your head..

I think getting outside and into nature helps (as much as i'm not an outdoorsy girl), when i do, it really helps clear my head. :-) Anyway, email me if you ever need someone to listen! You are incredibly talented and we all adore you!

Isn't it nice just to get all of your thoughts out?.. i love that about blogs.. sort of like a journal that you'd write in, but instead you type! And it's nice to feel like you're not alone in the world when you see people (like me) piping up and saying "me too!"


danielle thompson

Creative Breathing said...

Chelsea Ann! You have finally answered my prayers! I could have written this post at your age. You have had these mood swings since an early age. Thank goodness you are going to finally go on medication. They will let you be yourself! The anxiety will be gone! May I tell you that I was 48!!!!!! writing your post in my mind each month! The doctor gave me ONE pill and told me to chart my anxiety level each day. I never had to chart it! I was finally myself for the first time in 48 years! The "meltdowns" that I have now are only about once a year. Joy is in your future CA! E

Nancy said...

Hey girly, I know I don't usually comment but I'm also having a hard time getting pregnant so I totally understand how you feel! It's like the people that actually wait and plan it can't get pregnant and then you hear about all these people that weren't trying and they got pregnant *sigh* email if you ever need to vent :)

Lori said...

Chelsea Ann
Sweetie as you've seen so many of us have had to at some point take meds. I have had clinical depression for almost my entire life. I have been seeing the same therapist and reading tons on coping with depression. Finally after 6 long years, I'm med free and still use my therapist some. Taking on too much and then the world pulling at our strings sometimes gets to be way to much. I'm proud of your honest, your determination to get better and you! Best wishes, Love,Lori

Miranda said...

Wow. I kudos to you for posting this! I'm not sure if it was easy or not, but it's still a heavy post. I hope everything works out with going to the doctor and that you become less stressed so you and your husband can have a baby. :) Blessings to you and enjoy your class! It sounds like a lot of fun. :)