My mother use to make me talk to her. She would know when something was wrong and she would not leave me alone until I told her everything. As you can image I hated this in my teenage years. I would scream, "I don't have to tell you anything!". She would not relent, she was my mother she had a right to know was her motto. The worse part was that I usually had no idea what was "really" wrong. I would brood over the small issues in my life all the while the real issue(s) was buried deep deep within me. I would talk in circles until at last I felt I understood what I was hiding from.
Most of my childhood seems like a blurr, I remember happy times, and sad times... but there are things I have blocked all together. It wasn't that anything horribly awful ever happened to me as a child- but I was sensitive and utterly confused about so much that was going on around me.
Luckily I was stronger than I was sensitive and I came into adulthood with minor scrapes and bruises.
The most challenging aspect of being an adult thus far has been trying to figure out who I am. Sure, I know that takes a lifetime if not more, but for the first time in my life I am exploring who I am not as my mother's child or Jim's wife-
But who is Chelsea Ann?
As of late I feel like a girl lost in transit.
Feet no where near the ground and no place to land for miles and miles.
I've always wanted to be a mother.
And while that dream is so close it still feels so far away.
The problem has been trying to figure out what to do with myself in the meanwhile.
And also what if having children doesn't fulfill me like I dream it will
I want to be happy with being just me, not a a wife, a daughter, a mother...
just Chelsea Ann
So who is Chelsea Ann?
That is my golden question of late.
This is the issue I have been trying to bury.
I don't usually write posts like this... in fact as soon as a push Publish Post I will regret it. But my mother was right, it feels so good to talk about what's bothering you. No matter how trivial it may seem, if its bothering you enough that it shows on your face- its time to talk.
Please let me know if you have gone through periods like this and how you got through. I'm just wanting to feel more comfortable in my own shoes. When I first started blogging I stated, "I'm a girl just trying to fit in her mother's shoes."
For so long I was guided and inspired by my mother. I'm finding now that it is time I learn to walk on my own-Hop, skip, jump, or fall- I must learn to do it on my own!
It's time I take my book off the shelf and start to fill the pages!
As the saying goes-
"Life Happens while you're making plans."