Opening Up... to write my own chapter


My mother use to make me talk to her. She would know when something was wrong and she would not leave me alone until I told her everything. As you can image I hated this in my teenage years. I would scream, "I don't have to tell you anything!". She would not relent, she was my mother she had a right to know was her motto. The worse part was that I usually had no idea what was "really" wrong. I would brood over the small issues in my life all the while the real issue(s) was buried deep deep within me. I would talk in circles until at last I felt I understood what I was hiding from. 
Most of my childhood seems like a blurr, I remember happy times, and sad times... but there are things I have blocked all together. It wasn't that anything horribly awful ever happened to me as a child- but I was sensitive and utterly confused about so much that was going on around me. 
Luckily I was stronger than I was sensitive and I came into adulthood with minor scrapes and bruises. 
The most challenging aspect of being an adult thus far has been trying to figure out who I am. Sure, I know that takes a lifetime if not more, but for the first time in my life I am exploring who I am not as my mother's child or Jim's wife- 
But who is Chelsea Ann?
As of late I feel like a girl lost in transit. 
Feet no where near the ground and no place to land for miles and miles. 
I've always wanted to be a mother. 
And while that dream is so close it still feels so far away.
The problem has been trying to figure out what to do with myself in the meanwhile.
And also what if having children doesn't fulfill me like I dream it will
I want to be happy with being just me, not a a wife, a daughter, a mother...
just Chelsea Ann




So who is Chelsea Ann?
That is my golden question of late. 
This is the issue I have been trying to bury.

I don't usually write posts like this... in fact as soon as a push Publish Post I will regret it. But my mother was right, it feels so good to talk about what's bothering you. No matter how trivial it may seem, if its bothering you enough that it shows on your face- its time to talk. 

Please let me know if you have gone through periods like this and how you got through. I'm just wanting to feel more comfortable in my own shoes. When I first started blogging I stated, "I'm a girl just trying to fit in her mother's shoes."
For so long I was guided and inspired by my mother. I'm finding now that it is time I learn to walk on my own-Hop, skip, jump, or fall- I must learn to do it on my own!
 
It's time I take my book off the shelf and start to fill the pages!
As the saying goes-
"Life Happens while you're making plans."

6 comments:

Jin said...

Hi, Ann:) I'm a Chinese girl(by the way, my English name is Ann as well) who favors your blog very much~ And when I finished this new post, I felt obliged to leave somthing. You are always such a nice person to me, for you've got a caring mother and a considerate husband, and you make such a wonderful family member yourself and present this world with so many lovely handmade little things and most importantly, you do love pink and other adorable things as much as I do:) And you're going to be a mother! You see, to me, you have almost fulfilled all the dreams that a little girl can ever dream of. Then why do you still feel confused? I myself was confused by your post for a while, really. I'll tell you what I think of you: You are in GREAT HAPPINESS! you should be HAPPY, Ann! Think of what beautiful persons and things you have! If you are indeed puzzled, you can't figure it out by talking so, insdead you have to find yourself by doing something! Make yourself busy, and through the labor you can see the true meaning of life. Turn off the computer, take some tea or coffee, and find some real books to read page by page in the warm orange lamp light beside the fireplace, and appreciate the magical, tender snowing view outside now and then, imaging that Santa is coming and bringing your gift with him... I'm sure by doing this can make you feel better!
P.S. Merry Christmas^^

ittybittybirdy said...

Jin's comment was really touching... and then I found this on her blog- http://podcastdownload.npr.org/anon.npr-podcasts/podcast/4538138/97131798/npr_97131798.mp3

It really made me feel good!

Jin said...

Seeing you better is the most cheerful thing in my day:)
(It is the sunny morning here in China now^^)

creative breathing said...

Chelsea, I hope you will read my blog today. Your sweet face reminds me of another. Elizabeth

Lisa the Lovely said...

oh honey, I think everyone feels this way at one point or another. If they don't, they just don't realize it, or want to admit it.

sweetmemorymakingmom said...

Chelsea, You are not alone in this quest! I, myself, have struggled with that question, "Who am I," many times throughout my life. And currently as a stay-at-home mom, I am going through it again. Having children is such a wonderful blessing, but it is a lot of hard work physically and emotionally! I never knew how tough my mom had it with 4 of us, until I had 2. I think being a daughter, wife, mother becomes part of who you are!

IT is important to take time out for yourself. To meet your own needs. That is something that I am working on. I have been so busy the past 4 years being mommy, that I had totally lost my own identity. But when Dan, my husband, bought me a sewing machine last Christmas, it reignited my spirit. I had always been a creative person and in sewing and creating things, I have found a big part of my "self." I am also going back to work part-time and that will help too.

But mostly for me, how I got through any of these times is my faith. Now I am not preaching to anyone. I am only sharing how I got through it. I personal relationship with Christ is the only way to completely fill the void. It doesn't mean that I won't continue to have these experiences but there is comfort in knowing that He is always with me!

So, Enjoy your journey! I look forward to reading more!

warm hugs, Ellen

p.s. Congrats on your new venture in Australia. How amazing! What a compliment! Your creations are just so sweet! Plus... I live about 3-4 miles from a Michaels. What house structures are you looking for? Of course, I don't know if you live close to me or not. I live in CT.