I'm loving my new life in Idaho
loving the quiet, slow paced lifestyle of country living
My depression issues have improved dramatically
my anxiety is practically nonexistent
and my overall energy has night to day improved
However,
there are always a few clouds looming above
moving to Idaho has it's negatives
besides missing my friends and family
I am no longer sheltered by hundreds of miles
from childhood memories
it's funny how distance can heal old wounds
do you know what I'm talking about?
Have you ever traveled back to a place
that fosters negative memories?
My childhood was not so dramatic
nothing terribly shocking
but there are plenty of scars
plenty of memories I'd rather forget
See, just 3 hours from where I live now
are two men who I once called Dad
One raised me
One gave me life
both played a role in my life
both come with some wonderful,
somewhat normal childhood memories
yet both walked out of my life
both left scars I try hard to cover.
One doesn't even acknowledge my existence
not even 20' apart from one another,
the other simply walked away...
I'm plagued with fear, and anxiety
every-time I visit my childhood town
and no I can not simple not visit
as my grandparents, friends, sister
and soon to arrive new nephew
all call this place home
For the last 7 years
I've been overwhelmed with nightmares
about being abandoned, rejected, and unloved
I know that I deserve more
but it's hard for the heart to disconnect from the brain
or is that the other way around?
anywho... i've been writing letters lately
of things I wish I could say -
frustration, anger, sadness, and remorse
things that sit heavy on my heart
and eat at my brain
trying to work through it
trying to find closure
see it's much as if they were dead
and there presence in the world
is are my ghost
I only wish these were the friendly type
~
It can be hard to move forward
to except things as they are
I sometimes wish I was religious
I think that would help
but lol I have childhood scars
when it comes to religion as well
I fear the idea of a god
I'm terrified of praying
I somehow developed this notion
that if you asked god for something
he would take it away
to test your spiritually
must have come from a childhood of praying
and things only seeming to get worse?
I also always hated the way my church portrayed heaven
and I hate the idea that "good" people go to hell
If you're religious please do not be offended
I am very respectful of others beliefs
and like I said I wish I could find that type of faith
but in so many ways we are a product of our childhood
~good and bad~
Speaking of things both good and bad
My Miller baby is sure loving the country life too
he doesn't seem to have a single issue with it!
I've given up on making beds
If it's not one pup it's another
their comfort is top priority around here
I guess!?
This one is my favorite
I've been playing around with some free actions from
(which I found through Maybe* Mej)
I've been kinda mix'n them together
pretty fun stuff
Well I'm off to bed
hubby hates when we don't go to bed at the same time
heck I hate that too
gosh is this my second post today?
It's been a very long, very productive, very adventurous day
hubby and I drove up to the dam
it was so beautiful! Felt like we were on vacation
even though we were only a few miles away from home
how funny and wonderful!
Sweet dreams
~ Chelsea Ann
