The other side of the rainbow

I'm loving my new life in Idaho
loving the quiet, slow paced lifestyle of country living
My depression issues have improved dramatically
my anxiety is practically nonexistent
and my overall energy has night to day improved

there are always a few clouds looming above
moving to Idaho has it's negatives
besides missing my friends and family
I am no longer sheltered by hundreds of miles
from childhood memories
it's funny how distance can heal old wounds
do you know what I'm talking about?
Have you ever traveled back to a place
that fosters negative memories?
My childhood was not so dramatic
nothing terribly shocking
but there are plenty of scars
plenty of memories I'd rather forget
See, just 3 hours from where I live now
are two men who I once called Dad
One raised me
One gave me life
both played a role in my life
both come with some wonderful,
somewhat normal childhood memories
yet both walked out of my life
both left scars I try hard to cover.
One doesn't even acknowledge my existence
not even 20' apart from one another,
the other simply walked away...
I'm plagued with fear, and anxiety
every-time I visit my childhood town
and no I can not simple not visit
as my grandparents, friends, sister
and soon to arrive new nephew
all call this place home

For the last 7 years
I've been overwhelmed with nightmares
about being abandoned, rejected, and unloved
I know that I deserve more
but it's hard for the heart to disconnect from the brain
or is that the other way around?
anywho... i've been writing letters lately
of things I wish I could say -
frustration, anger, sadness, and remorse
things that sit heavy on my heart
and eat at my brain
trying to work through it
trying to find closure
see it's much as if they were dead
and there presence in the world
is are my ghost
I only wish these were the friendly type
It can be hard to move forward
to except things as they are
I sometimes wish I was religious
I think that would help
but lol I have childhood scars
when it comes to religion as well
I fear the idea of a god
I'm terrified of praying
I somehow developed this notion
that if you asked god for something
he would take it away
to test your spiritually
must have come from a childhood of praying
and things only seeming to get worse?
I also always hated the way my church portrayed heaven
and I hate the idea that "good" people go to hell
If you're religious please do not be offended
I am very respectful of others beliefs
and like I said I wish I could find that type of faith
but in so many ways we are a product of our childhood
~good and bad~

Speaking of things both good and bad
My Miller baby is sure loving the country life too
he doesn't seem to have a single issue with it!

I've given up on making beds
If it's not one pup it's another
their comfort is top priority around here
I guess!?

This one is my favorite
I've been playing around with some free actions from
(which I found through Maybe* Mej)
I've been kinda mix'n them together
pretty fun stuff

Well I'm off to bed
hubby hates when we don't go to bed at the same time
heck I hate that too
gosh is this my second post today?
It's been a very long, very productive, very adventurous day
hubby and I drove up to the dam
it was so beautiful! Felt like we were on vacation
even though we were only a few miles away from home
how funny and wonderful!
Sweet dreams

~ Chelsea Ann


Mi ch ele said...

hi. i have no idea how i stumbled upon your blog... i've been doing a lot of food searches recently, maybe that is it? but somewhere along the line i started following your blog - i do that, follow random people as a way to come back and connect with a blog that i like. Well, anyway - i just wanted to say this entry spoke to me. i grew up and lived in the same state my entire life and last year we moved from Indiana to California. twice we've made the trip back, but it was hard to go home. memories (good and bad), people, things... i know exactly what you mean. Right now we live 3,000 miles away from where i grew up. but we will be moving back soon and part of me is excited to return to the small town life of Indiana and the other half of me is dreading having to move back to where some of the memories are not so good.

i hope things continue to improve for you in Idaho :o)

Michele Blue

sassypackrat said...

It sounds like you are doing something to address your issues and acknowledge them which really is half the battle. I know where you're coming from. I only saw my birth father a few times in my life before he passed away and the Step father who raised me left my mom for another woman, so I really do understand what you are going through. I haven't had the best relationships with men and don't even try anymore, but that's just what works for me.
Hopefully new happy memories will gradually coat over the old and make it easier to visit. Babies are always good for that kind of thing!
Wish you the best always!

Retro Plants said...

oh Chelsea Ann!
if only you could see the YOU that others see. . . maybe then you would know how amazing you are! ;)
hang in there.
i cannot have much empathy for you but i do have sympathy. . . know we are here and are praying for you! ;)
lots of love. . . <3

Stina G said...

I have to email you. :-)

christina said...

Chelsea Ann~

Thank you for the lovely comment on my blog.

I have some major beefs with my three dads. There is so much unresolved and it's taken me a long time to be OK with all the dysfunction that I come from. There are bright and happy spots too and those are what I cling to!

Hang in there!!


maybe*mej said...

hiiii. im so glad that you find my action and what a great idea to mix them with a night fate action.. i just have to try by my self. =) Have a great weekend.

Creative Breathing said...

Hi Chelsea Ann, After my Honeymoon Years I too moved back to my home town. Not just that, I moved into my very childhood home. Night terrors on a regular basis. When I began to heal was when I had my own child. I was a good and loving mother. The experience healed my own inner child. This will be your future as well Chelsea Ann, I promise you! In my thoughts, lovey photos, cute happy puppies. E

Brian Burke said...

That's one of the deepest posts I've ever read on any blog. I'm sorry for your pain. Society tries to convince us that family is the best thing, but everyone I know has stories like this in their closet, and it can really bring them down.

You and Jimmy have your own family now, and there are a lot of people that admire and respect you, I hope that takes a bit of the edge off of the father situation.

Diane said...

Today is The Actual Baby Shower
come by to Visit the Live Stream link
it's Simple and can be loads of fun!
Breezy will be thrilled!
Now Let's Get This Party Started!
Hugs, Diane

Rardin, Kecia said...

My beautiful Chelsea. Don't focus on who has failed you - focus on all the people in your life that love you! It is truly their loss not to have your joy in their lives. Perhaps you lost 2 dads, but you gained a father who will love you forever. Many times God replaces what we have lost. I love you. Mom

Megan V said...

It is really hard to be disappointed by a parent - let alone more than one. It is easy to be affected by it and let it make us feel a certain way. The power comes from overcoming the adversity and being stronger and more self aware because of it!! I believe you can do that! For leaving you and bringing you pain, they are the ones who are weak and you KNOW that. I'm dealing with father issues as well. You can be strong and find acceptance and love in other places. As for religion, I am not religious, myself but do have many strong beliefs!! I could talk all day about it and do end up counseling many friends on the subject as they struggle with doubt. I suggest reading/watching The Secret, reading God's Debris and also Conversations with God. None of those are based in a specific religion and are more based on theories. I promise they'll have some good ways of thinking that could help you!!! And "praying" for something will never cause it to be taken away... praying is simply putting out into the world, your thoughts. The more you think of positive things, the more you attract them into your life. Keep thinking those positive things, Chelsea Ann, and you will bring them into your life. I promise. xoxoxo