The other side of the rainbow

I'm loving my new life in Idaho

loving the quiet, slow paced lifestyle of country living

My depression issues have improved dramatically

my anxiety is practically nonexistent

and my overall energy has night to day improved

However,

there are always a few clouds looming above

moving to Idaho has it's negatives

besides missing my friends and family

I am no longer sheltered by hundreds of miles

from childhood memories

it's funny how distance can heal old wounds

do you know what I'm talking about?

Have you ever traveled back to a place

that fosters negative memories?

My childhood was not so dramatic

nothing terribly shocking

but there are plenty of scars

plenty of memories I'd rather forget

See, just 3 hours from where I live now

are two men who I once called Dad

One raised me

One gave me life

both played a role in my life

both come with some wonderful,

somewhat normal childhood memories

yet both walked out of my life

both left scars I try hard to cover.

One doesn't even acknowledge my existence

not even 20' apart from one another,

the other simply walked away...

I'm plagued with fear, and anxiety

every-time I visit my childhood town

and no I can not simple not visit

as my grandparents, friends, sister

and soon to arrive new nephew

all call this place home

For the last 7 years

I've been overwhelmed with nightmares

about being abandoned, rejected, and unloved

I know that I deserve more

but it's hard for the heart to disconnect from the brain

or is that the other way around?

anywho... i've been writing letters lately

of things I wish I could say -

frustration, anger, sadness, and remorse

things that sit heavy on my heart

and eat at my brain

trying to work through it

trying to find closure

see it's much as if they were dead

and there presence in the world

is are my ghost

I only wish these were the friendly type

~

It can be hard to move forward

to except things as they are

I sometimes wish I was religious

I think that would help

but lol I have childhood scars

when it comes to religion as well

I fear the idea of a god

I'm terrified of praying

I somehow developed this notion

that if you asked god for something

he would take it away

to test your spiritually

must have come from a childhood of praying

and things only seeming to get worse?

I also always hated the way my church portrayed heaven

and I hate the idea that "good" people go to hell

If you're religious please do not be offended

I am very respectful of others beliefs

and like I said I wish I could find that type of faith

but in so many ways we are a product of our childhood

~good and bad~

Speaking of things both good and bad

My Miller baby is sure loving the country life too

he doesn't seem to have a single issue with it!

I've given up on making beds

If it's not one pup it's another

their comfort is top priority around here

I guess!?

This one is my favorite

I've been playing around with some free actions from

Maybe* Mej

and Night Fate

(which I found through Maybe* Mej)

I've been kinda mix'n them together

pretty fun stuff

Well I'm off to bed

hubby hates when we don't go to bed at the same time

heck I hate that too

gosh is this my second post today?

It's been a very long, very productive, very adventurous day

hubby and I drove up to the dam

it was so beautiful! Felt like we were on vacation

even though we were only a few miles away from home

how funny and wonderful!

Sweet dreams

~ Chelsea Ann